How not to annoy your ER doctor

Dear patient presenting to Casualty

The following guidelines may make your visit to us more pleasant:

1) This is an Accident and Emergency dept.... that means if an accident or emergency comes in, it is dealt with before your upper respiratory tract infection or lower back pain that you have had for six weeks. There will be a waiting time. It will not help to complain. Get over it.

2) We know that twisted ankles/broken bones/dislocated joints are painful. So do you, obviously. Then why have you not taken some pain relief before coming in? Paracetamol is available at Tesco!

3) Please listen to what we are telling, it will make your life easier in the long run. Do not interrupt us with long stories of how bad your GP is, or that you are going on holiday next week and cannot come for your follow up appointment. We will only get cross.

4) We really are trying to help you. But not giving us an adequate history, or brushing over important questions will not help us to help you. I know its embarrassing to talk about your last menstrual period or your bowel habits, but really, I am not asking to make conversation, I am asking as I believe there may be a useful tip in this information which will help me make a diagnosis.

5) We are not stupid. Do not lie to us, we wont believe you and will certainly laugh at you privately afterwards. No one believes the story that you 'fell' onto that glass bottle/vibrator/lightbulb that is now wedged in your anus. Nor do we believe you when you say you drink 'only on weekends' but have an alcohol level of 446 on a Tuesday afternoon.

6) Please use your common sense: rinse out your eye if you have something in it, take a pain killer before coming in with a headache, dont drink and then engage in dangerous activity, like driving.

7) If you come in on a spinal board in a hard collar, it is because the paramedics who assisted you felt you were at risk of a serious neck injury: please dont argue with us about having it on you/take it off and start shouting at us/complain persistently. We will in turn, a)get you off the board as soon as possible and b) be nice to you when you are in shock from your accident and c) give you adequate pain relief.

8) Casualty is not a dating service. Flirting with/winking at your doctor is NOT appropriate, especially when you have just come off the farm, are covered in horse shit and have a dislocated ankle. Or ever, actually.

9) We know you think your child is sick. But if they are running amok in Casualty, breaking things and gleefully tripping up old people, we are not going to be too sympathetic. Sorry. If you sit by and watch while your child does these things, we are definitely not going to be sympathetic.